Well…. I’m sorry that it’s been over a month, my blogging friends! But life has been very busy. I’ve got behind with emails and other correspondence too – so it’s not just you!
My weight continued to fluctuate, but with a steady increase and I FINALLY found the motivation to get back on the gravy train and this is now my third week of back-to-back 2-day fasting, which seems to really give my body a jolt. I wanted to be under 11 stone on my birthday, which is tomorrow, but today the scales registered at 11.1 and a half. Today is also the second fast day and from experience I am not expecting to hit the magic ten-stone something by tomorrow, not even if I go for a run – which I am loathe to do on a second consecutive fasting day – purely because I have “nothing in the tank” and I don’t want to feel even more of a failure.
The pressure I have myself under is immense. When I was maintaining my weight from October to December under the ten stone mark, I was very trappy – “I’ll never allow myself to slip back into bad habits….”, “I’ll never eat crap again”, “I’ll never allow myself to be fat again”. Whilst loads of people are telling me that I’m not fat and that I look fine, I know that I now have a wardrobe full of jeans that are too tight on my hips and thighs and I know that I am not happy being eleven stone anything.
Looking back, I do think that 9 stone 13 was just a little too low for me. Whilst it was GREAT to fit into a pair of size 8 jeans, when I look at photos, I was starting to look all sinewy and bony and it didn’t suit me. A few extra pounds and I looked a lot better, so this time, my revised target weight is 10:5…. with a view to fluctuating under by a couple of pounds. This will open up a lot more of the jeans but just keeps me at the tip of looking slim, but not scrawny.
This has been an embarrassing learning curve for me. I took my eye off the ball at Christmas and my willpower failed me. I wasn’t ready to relax and should have remained vigilant over the festive season. Things will be a LOT different this year. These feelings of shame and embarrassment are really not worth all those goodies and treats that I have been stuffing.
My running has suffered. Hard to explain but the extra weight feels like I am running carrying a bag of potatoes. My speed and stamina have dropped off the scale and whilst I still enjoy it, there is now a sense of trepidation when I set out – a fear that within a kilometre or so my body will be screaming at me to stop. Yes, I could push through this but there is a niggling voice that says “You’re heavier and not as fit. Stop, you big fat heifer!” yet last year when I was in the zone, I was able to push through and remain positive.
I WILL get there… I just have to shut that nasty little voice up……